After almost 40 years, Joe Walsh, an Average Ordinary Guy who is Living A Life Of Illusion, is running for president again. This time, he’ll be old enough to take office if he wins. In 1980, Joe’s first campaign, he would have been only 33 years old if elected, and those of us who remember when the Constitution was taught in school
know that the Founding Fathers required one to be 35 years old to become president . Why 35? Tench Coxe, a Continental Congress member, wrote: “In America, as the president is to be one of the people at the end of his short term, so will he and his fellow citizens remember that he was originally one of the people; and that he is created by their breath. Further, he cannot be an idiot, probably not a knave or a tyrant, for those whom nature makes so, discover it before the age of thirty-five, until which period he cannot be elected.” Shows what he knew. Can’t be an idiot? Captain Morgan, the rum company, had a campaign to eliminate the age requirement by showing some of the things people under 35 had done. It didn’t change the law but probably sold some booze. I move on.
In his 1980 campaign, Joe wanted to change the national anthem to his monster hit song “Life’s Been Good,” which is fine with me. I’m generally okay with the Star-Spangled Banner, but I can’t hit all the notes. “Life’s Been Good” is more of a party song and celebrates living as a rock star, but it might be awkward to sing “I go to parties sometimes until 4, It’s hard to leave when you can’t find the door” in church or elementary school. However, the lyric “I can’t complain but sometimes I still do” is as American as it gets. We complain about everything instead of counting our blessings.
Joe’s 1980 campaign plank was “Free Gas For Everyone!” It was assumed that he meant free gasoline, not free methane, but in light of current events, either is appropriate. Some Democrat dude named Yang wants to “give” every adult American $1000 a month. The whole concept that the government has nothing except the ability to burden taxpayers with onerous taxes is lost on Mr. Yang. I don’t know about you, but I don’t spend $1000 a month on gas, so Joe’s free gas doesn’t sound so foolish, does it? And it pales compared to Bernie’s “free everything,” and the rest of the Dems are trying to play catch-up to The Bern. At the same time, the United Nations has decided that cow, sheep, and chicken farts are hurting the climate, so they want us to have a methane-free diet of plants. Joe appears to be mocking that proposal by saying free gas, so I’m with him on that, as I like tasty animals. Question? Do fish fart?
Joe has a few things in his past that once were considered faults, but not so much today. He’s on marriage number five. Trump is only on number three, but divorces don’t seem to matter as much today. Joe’s current wife is Marjorie Bach, the sister of Barbara Bach, who is married to Ringo. Barbara was a Bond girl in “The Spy Who Loved Me,” but it was her cavegirl outfit in the movie “Caveman” that brought her to my attention. Marjorie and Joe have been married since 2008, and Joe’s sober now, so this one may last. Speaking of sobriety, Joe said that “he’s only been drunk one time, it just lasted 30 years.” Alcohol and drug use used to be a negative issue for presidential candidates, but now I think past use no longer matters. I hope that current use still matters, but I’m not sure. A candidate keeping his promises appears to be the issue today.
Now, Walsh does have some military experience, in the Joe Biden way. His album, “There Goes The Neighborhood,” features Joe sitting in the hatch of a tank in the middle of chaos. I’m not saying Walsh operated the tank, but if Biden was telling the story, it’d be in the middle of a war zone and he still has shrapnel in his arms to prove it. So we’ll give Walsh military credit.
I could go on but the essence here is that a pot-smoking former alcoholic with five marriages and no political experience who wants to give away free gas is as qualified as any of the other yahoos running this year.
News Update: Turns out the Joe Walsh running for president is a different guy: a Tea Party dude who served in Congress. Having looked up his credentials, I’d take the singer over the politician.