How Long? The Perfect Mattress?

The Ace song, “How Long?”, is a classic ode to infidelity in the relationship. Y’all know the song, but I’ll get the tune going for you.

“Well, your friends with their fancy persuasion
Don’t admit that it’s part of a scheme
But I can’t help but have my suspicion
‘Cause I ain’t quite as dumb as I seem.”

Underhanded actions, lying, conniving and cheating are staples of the heartbreak of a relationship gone bad. If you haven’t personally experienced it, and I bet you have, it’s at least something that you have experienced through the lives of others. And that is the genesis of Ace’s “How Long?”

“And you said you was never intending
To break up our scene in this way
But there ain’t any use in pretending
It could happen to us any day.
How long? How long has this been going on?”

I had to burst some of your bubbles last year when I pointed out that the Kink’s “Lola” wasn’t a love song about a first love, unless getting picked up by a transvestite at a bar is your idea of a love song. Same goes, I’m afraid, with Ace’s song. It’s about infidelity alright, but it’s actually about the band’s bass player thinking of bolting the band for another one. He stuck around long enough to record this, their one and only hit.

So why Kelly this shout out to an old song about infidelity? Because I just saw the coolest new high-tech gadget. This is the pinnacle of the effective use of technology to solve everyday problems. A company in Spain has developed a mattress with sensors in the mattress that detect, well, infidelity. You can set the sensors to detect motion, from gentle, loving, caressing activities to heart pounding, old fashioned thrashing about. The product is called a Smartress, and it sends text messages to your smartphone telling you that your mattress is getting action when you aren’t.

burning mattressThe possibilities are endless once you harness this advancement in technology evolution. I can’t help but think that the mattress should come with options. The most logical option is the one that activates cameras to record what is transpiring on the pads. Georgia makes it illegal however to record your lover without their permission (O.C.G.A. Sec. 16-11-62).  Maybe cold water pouring down from the ceiling might save the mattress from certain destruction and put out a fire too. How about an option that sends electrical shocks through the mattress when certain movements occur? It wouldn’t have to be deadly, just a good ol’ jolt. Problem with that is the cheating spouse may enjoy the electrical charge.

A more lethal option could be an option that shoots spikes through the mattress? I imagine you can come up with plenty of options to suit your individual tastes. Now some of my options are pretty tough on the participants in the mattress play. There would have to be fair notice to anyone climbing on the mattress that certain activities would meet with potentially dire consequences. To comply with federal and state law, I’d make sure that the mattress tags had the appropriate warnings. That’s all the notice that the law requires and that’s all that they deserve.

Kelly Burke, master attorney, former district attorney and magistrate judge, is engaged in private practice. He writes about the law, rock’n’roll and politics. These articles are not designed to give legal advice, but are designed to inform the public about how the law affects their daily lives. Contact Kelly at to comment on this article or suggest articles that you’d like to see and visit his website to view prior columns.

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