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I Love Your Potion No. 9

Love Potion No. 9

If you remember this classic song done originally by the Clovers (1959) but taken to #3 by the Searchers (1965), you know that Love Potion No. 9 was mixed “up right here in the sink.” It “smelled like turpentine and looked like India ink” but “I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink.” No. 9 had a magical effect upon the fortunate ones who consumed it. It made them amorous. Who doesn’t want to be amorous? Well, as the song points out, it’s not good to be amorous with the cop at 34th and Vine, because he’ll break your “little bottle of Love Potion No. 9.”

So in today’s society, where we have the government to protect us from the evils of assorted concoctions, what are you one to do when you come up with the next marvelous aphrodisiac elixir that will make life good? First, call me to be your partner as you’ll need legal advice. We first have to decide if there is anyone in particular in the government that we need to be concerned about before we go to selling our bawdy catholicon.

Let’s start with the FDA. The Food and Drug Administration governs, among other things, all things that are deemed medicinal. That is, does the product make any claim to cure a medical condition or contain a  medical ingredient? If so, the FDA has a regulation or two or ten thousand that the manufacturer would have to comply with in order to sell that product. We don’t know exactly what went into Love Potion No. 9, but it had stuff that Madame Rue had on hand. Does making a product out of products in your home exempt you from the FDA oversight? Nope, in fact, it probably increases your chances of FDA interference because you likely haven’t paid off any Congressmen or the FDA through your lobbying budget. But let’s assume that the FDA cannot find where you made any medicinal claims and that No. 9 contains no known drug, are you in the clear to sell your magic potion?

Nope, because then you have to worry about the Great State of Georgia. You see, Georgia has “schedules” of stuff that you can’t possess, sell, or distribute without a license. Marijuana and most drugs are on that list of things that can’t be possessed in Georgia without permission. Did you know that Georgia already allows the sale of marijuana with a prescription? Sure does. Problem is, they never wrote any regulations on who and what it took to get a prescription for mary jane, so no one is authorized to sell it. Rep. Peake of Macon tried to get a law allowing medical marijuana and cited some really heart breaking cases where marijuana could have made a big difference in the lives of sick children. The bill became the subject of bartering between the House and Senate, whereupon it died when hijacked by another cause. Great system they’ve got in Atlanta.

Assuming our Love Potion No. 9 is a great product and makes everyone happy, loving and fun, it has to be illegal. We in Georgia can’t countenance people being all happy and kissy because of a philter. If it’s not illegal today, we’ll pass a law next year to make it illegal. Our potion will end up on some schedule, probably a Schedule 3 or 4 because that is just barely illegal in Georgia. Need proof? Viagra, that fun little blue pill that some dudes need to be happy, it’s a Schedule 3 potion number 9

It can get really crazy too, because if our potion is legal in Florida but illegal in Georgia, then our customers never know when and where they can carry it. But we do know this, don’t carry it on 34th and Vine.

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